(136) what do you really want?

I left myself open for that

of course

I couldn’t say what I was afraid of

if I even knew myself

(I never knew myself)

and a clandestine errand

seems to be the definition

of the forward projection

of my life

a kid stealing candy

from the corner store

snatching the moments

when nobody’s looking

pushing together pieces

that will never fit

(135) why?

there is something ancient about this questioning
this aching empty fear
of the darkness
the essential throbbing
what are we but the beating
the blood
the quivering?

134

I am restless beyond measure
I fidget perpetually
picking at scabs I refuse to let heal
I can no longer hide the fact that I have nothing
want nothing (or everything or something I don’t yet understand)
I measure time by the growth of my hair
brown roots under red paint

133

I return to the cage

to describe the ragged time

the rejected better doubt

at least a little clearer 

than the screaming numbers

the road ahead and behind

and beside

the deadly wonder

the damage I rendered

you only fall apart when you let yourself

132

I can't think

the words don't come

as they used to

unbidden

clawing their way out

before they burnt me up

131

I can't conduct myself 

in meter or rhyme

I sprawl 

crooked across the page

fingers brushing fragments 

of words

knees scraping through lines 

my unruly curls 

scrawling truths I glean

from passing glances

and that song 

you always sing

loops  haphazardly

tattooed upon my flesh

(130)

she thought

she knew the sky

until she began

questing

the rough edges

undisturbed

in the darkness

grasping at

the savage stars

desperate

to understand

the dousing peace

in the in-between

the brutal

tender caress

of her lover's hands

the weight of the shadows

(129)

we two devoured eternity
(ferocious with naked trust)